Making the Move Easy on the Kids
 Moving from one house
to another is seldom easy and fun for adults
and it can be especially troubling for the
children. But if parents deal with their
children's concerns and needs thoughtfully,
much of that distress and discomfort can be
avoided. Children see moves differently
than their parents do, and they benefit much
less from the change in their comfortable
routines, or so it seems at the time. Most
often, a change in houses or communities
heralds an important step forward for the
adult members of the family. The family
moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new
job or a promotion in reward for years of
hard work. They move because financial
success has allowed the purchase of a bigger
and nicer house in a more costly
neighborhood. They move because they can
finally afford private bedrooms for each
child and perhaps a pool in the back yard.
In the 1990's, mobile and hard striving
people typically live in a house for about
four years and then move on as their careers
or fortunes allow. That short time span is
only a small percentage of the life-to-date
for a 30 or 40 year old, but the same four
years is half the life-time of an 8 year
old, and it includes almost all the years he
or she can remember. To a parent, this
house may be only the place they have lived
recently. They think of it as a way station
on the road of life. To kids, however, it
may be the only home they have ever really
known. This is their house, the place they
feel safe and comfortable and thoroughly at
home. A house is much more than a roof and
walls to a child. It is the center of his or
her world. A move threatens to take that
sphere away and leave something totally
strange in its place. The familiar friends,
schools, shops and theaters, the streets,
trees and parks - all will no longer exist
for them. Everything soon will be strange,
and they will live in someone else's world.
The impact of a move on a typical child
starts about the time he or she first hears
that Daddy has accepted a promotion, and
often continues for about a year, until the
new house becomes home, and memories of the
previous place fade. It's not usually
necessary to announce this big change to
children immediately, although they must
hear about it from you before someone else
breaks the news. Most teenagers see
themselves as adult members of the family,
and will probably feel they have been left
out if they don't hear everything from the
first day. But it is probably not a good
idea to tell toddlers and preschoolers until
they have to know. There is no point in
making them worry far in advance. Be sure
to announce the move in a totally positive
way. You might say how proud you are that
Daddy's company has chosen him out of many
other employees to manage a new office in
Cleveland. Talk about what a beautiful city
Cleveland is how good the schools are and
how nice the people are. Tell truthful but
very positive stories about how nice the new
house will be. Ask them what the favorite
things are in their lives now, and then try
to make them happen in the new home. If the
new home is too far away to allow a visit by
the entire family after it has been
selected, show the children pictures of it
from every angle. Videotape it, if you can.
Emphasize the positive views and be sure to
include pictures of each child's new room.
Try to name the house with some romantic
description like "Oak Hill" for the big
trees and the sloping lawn.
 Sugar coating
will help, but since children can quickly
see the negative sides of most situations,
every parent must plan to deal with their
children's worries, fears and sorrows. The
children will lose friends they may have
known all their lives. They will leave
behind their sports teams, their clubs and
they're dancing teachers. They will have to
start over in a new place, making friends,
becoming accepted and fitting into different
groups. Younger children need protection
from fear of the unknown. Listen carefully
to their concerns, and respond quickly to
allay their apprehensions. It would be
normal, for instance, for a young child to
worry that his or her toy box and shelf of
stuffed animals might be left behind. Find
those anxieties and correct them. Probably
the best tactic is to get the children
actively involved in the whole process.
Don't just promise to let them decorate
their own rooms, for example. Take them to
the paint store and let them bring home
color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and
towels and carpets. They must leave old
friends behind, so find ways to make that
parting almost pleasant. Plan a going-away
party and let them invite their own guests.
Take pictures of everyone and make a photo
album. If a child is old enough, send him or
her out with a roll of film in the camera
and the assignment to photograph the views
they will want to remember. Some
relationships will be extremely difficult to
break and these will demand careful,
thoughtful, personalized planning by both
parents. How, for instance, do you move a
17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady
boyfriend? Expect that your children may be
even more distressed after the move than
they were before it. The new house will not
be beautiful the night after the moving van
leaves, or for months after. The furniture
won't fit the rooms. The curtains won't be
up, and every spot on the floor will be
covered with half-unpacked cartons. The
children won't know anyone at school and, if
you move during the summer, they may have
little opportunity to meet anyone their
age. You may be faced with many more
problems in your new community that they
will, but remember that you can handle them
more easily than they can. They will need
your help, and you should plan to give them
the support they need. After the move, give
each of them a long distance telephone call
allowance so they can keep in touch with the
people back home who matter the most to
them. Buy a stack of picture postcards that
show positive views of your new community,
and encourage them to write good news
messages to the friends and relatives they
left behind. To make new friends, make sure
the children don't vegetate in front of the
television. Get them outside, where
neighbors pass by. Have them pass out fliers
to do baby-sitting or car washing.
Encourage them to participate in as many
school activities as they can handle. Get
them on sports teams and into clubs. If
they - and you - aren't making new friends
fast enough, throw a housewarming party for
yourselves and invite all the adults and
children on the block. If serious emotional
or attitudinal problems arise, however, help
is usually available and probably should be
sought. Ask a teacher for help. Consider
professional counseling. Don't let a serious
problem slide. Remember that the newness
will wear off. New friends will become old
friends and best friends. This new house
may become the family homestead your
grandchildren will visit every holiday
season. There will be discomforts, but in
the long run, everything will work out fine.
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